Big Blue Bear

Had lunch with Mr. Harper today and it ended with one of the greatest stories I've heard from the guy. Now I shall share it with you. Dave is from the Columbus OH area. Years ago before he moved out here Dave and his posse were looking for some silliness to find, and they found it in a six-foot tall stuffed toy bear. He also told me that there was no booze involved up to this point; I don't know whether to believe that or not but it's his story so I'll try to keep it as close to the original as I can. The idea comes to the crew that if they unstuffed the giant bear and cut a hole in the back they would have their very own bear suit. Now I don't know how much stuffing is in a six-foot tall bear but I figure it's a whole shit-ton of stuffing. Enough that Dave told me they covered his buddies entire basement floor with it. Dave climbed into his new bear suit and now it was idea time. They figured the bars were closing soon and they wanted to fuck with the late night crowd. The goal: get Dave stolen as a big blue bear. They drove around long enough to steal a balloon tied to a mailbox. Scored a For Sale sign. Stole a blinking construction warning sign.

All the elements were in place to cause some late night chaos. The crew went to the local pub and placed Dave in the parking lot with blinking sign, For Sale sign in lap, and balloon tied to his hand. At 2am the bar emptied out and a few fraternity dudes brought their truck up next to him. First they discussed stealing the big blue bear. Could success come this quick and easy? Negative. It turned into a "Naw dude kick it in the face!" Not good. "Naw dude hit it with the truck!!!!" The truck backed up through the lot and aimed it's grill at Davey the big blue bear. Not wanting to give up his joke but also not wanting to give up his mortality Dave waited it out until the truck's tires spun and took off at him. Dave jumped to his feet and watched as the frat dudes freaked out at the magically alive bear. They briefly lost control of their truck before peeling it back onto the street and taking off with one hell of a bar story in their pockets.

I don't know how Dave felt at this juncture but I would feel like I had gained magical powers. Next they got word that Dave's cousin and very dear friend Rob was down the block and would be leaving the party soon. If someone was going to steal Dave the big blue bear it was Rob. Rob and his friend Jason were very, very high. Very high. Dave sat on the curb, balloon in hand, blinker blinking, and For Sale sign once again in lap. Jason and Rob pulled up behind the big blue bear and Dave could hear them whispering under the heavy influence of devil lettuce that they should totally steal the bear. Rob hopped out and approached. Just when he was in reaching distance the big blue bear sprung to life, hands in the air, and belted out a raaaaaawr. Rob freaked and jogged away screaming while Jason hit the gas and took off into the night. The bear gave chase. Rob was now running from a menacing stuffed toy bear that magically came to life confusing the hell out of his once blissful buzz. After a 500 foot run the big blue bear began to speak mid run to him.

"ROB STOP RUNNING MAN! I'M YOU'RE COUSIN!!"
"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME BEAR!?"
"ROB IT'S DAVE YOUR COUSIN MAN!"
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW MY COUSIN DAVE BEAR!?"

Jogging + high and confused is awesome.

Dave finally corralled his pal and they got to enjoy a good laugh at the prank. Unfortunately Rob's ride had bugged out and left him. It was some time before Jason had the balls to come back and rescue him. Dave and crew were now hoofing around town looking for more fun things to do in a bear suit when the fuzz showed up. Everyone scattered except for Dave. The police flashed the lights and Dave the big blue bear was about to be investigated. As crazy as it may look, there is nothing illegal about being a stuffed toy bear in public, even at 3am.
"Excuse me uh...sir...what are you doing?"
"Just bein' a bear officer!"
"Er..so...have you been drinking sir?"
"Nope! Just bein' a big blue bear."
The cop started laughing (how couldn't you?) "Man I have seen some shit 16 years on the force, but this is just crazy! Uh, I hope you understand uh, Mr. Bear, but I do have to frisk you."
Now Dave the big blue bear is bent over, hand on a police cruiser, being patted down by a veteran officer of the Columbus police force- at which time a second cruiser pulled up and the loud speaker belted out through what I'm sure was stifled laughter: "Officer Rogers do you have that bear under control?"

Being a big blue bear must be so cool.

"Mr. Bear I have to run your license."
"Sure sir! Mind if I take my hand out of my paw though to reach in my wallet?"
So they ran Dave the big blue bear's record and it came out clean.
"Are you by yourself tonight Dave?"
"Sure am sir."
At which time Dave's crew who had been hiding in the bushes scattered giving the gag up probably thinking Dave was in some serious trouble. Also knowing the crew that Dave had in Ohio, several probably had warrants out. But the cop didn't care.
"Listen Mr. Harper can I give you a ride home?"
"Sure!"
"Um...are you gonna wear the bear suit in the car?"
"Yup!"

And there my buddy Dave was. Getting a friendly ride in a police cruiser at 3am in a big blue bear suit. Everytime you get into it with a member of the force, for better or worse, it's documented on your permanent record.

Dave the big blue bear is on his permanent record. What's on yours?


POST STORY:
Dave left Ohio for life in the desert. But the big blue bear stayed- and lived on. Dave said he heard stories of the bear making it to Ohio State, exchanging hands and faces. At one point the bear made it to another friend of Dave's who wore the bear suit through the drive thru at a Taco Bell. And ordered honey. When in a big blue bear suit you automatically become a comedian. The voice on the speaker told him that they don't have honey but they DO have Border Ices. Border Ice it is. When they pulled up to the window the clerks saw the bear suit- and so did the three state troopers eating there. The big blue bear did not see the officers run outside, but he DID see the 3 staties rush the car, draw their weapons, and order Mr. Bear out of the car. Just because you're a comedian does not mean that everyone thinks you're funny. The bear was handcuffed- no really, they didn't take him out of the suit, they cuffed him IN the suit- and was threatened with disorderly conduct. Man Ohio state troopers are tough on bears, but cheers to the big blue bear that day for being cuffed behind the back on the hood of his car; he yelled at the officers "Hey man is it illegal for me to order honey!? I'm a fuckin bear and I just wanted some honey!!"