Ich Herzen Hassen

I was VERY proud and excited a couple of weeks ago when I officially completed my final substance abuse class! It was a Tuesday and at 9:30PM I walked out of that wonderful and educational class for the final time. Although work was early the next morning and there was a big meeting with the administrator, I wanted to celebrate. Just a few drinks with perhaps a few friends. At 9:30 deep in the eve and on a whim AND on a Tuesday scoring a few friends was going to be tough, but I have perseverance like Kenyan's have stride. First priority: A lil potato wine. So I walked to the local mart and picked myself up a handle of the 80 proof clear stuff and a liter of el tonico. Couldn't get anyone on the cell to join me- but who the hell cares! I can be a great host to myself, I fucking rule and totally am okay partying with my own ego. After a short walk home it was time to crack the ice and open the gullet.

8 drinks later my ego must've went to the bathroom or something because I got totally bummed that no one wanted to celebrate my success of 2.5 months of pain in the ass classes, I was a graduate and I wanted to feel like it. At 11:30PM it should have been time to go to bed when my phone finally barked. My roomate Ryan. He had had a shit day and was at the local watering hole and had been drinking with one of the waitresses that just gotten off work. I demanded that I cheer him up with good times and cold vodka. He demanded he bring the waitress home because 'she was too drunk too drive.' I obliged. Company was on the way so good times were sure to follow.

Ryan was in an awful mood, cranky and stubborn. And I was wrong, the waitress was definitley too drunk to drive. I must have looked rather striking drunk on the couch becasue she kept slurring at me that I was very pretty. Gay but flattering- which was awesome since Ryan had brought her home. Now normally I would have the respect for a dear friend who had scored a drunk waitress and brought her home; be a good wingman and allow the pussy to fall in my buddies lap as he deserved. But Ryan was pissing me off with his grouchy mood on my winning night. And I was hammered drunk. And I was accepting these marvelously ludicrous phrases of praise and flattery with ease.

Now this lass was not skinny and not fat. Not hot but not ugly. Rock and roll hair, and handful of piercings and some visible tats. One feature she did have was unbelievably huge mammories. HUGE.

Some amount of cocktails later I was being my silly self and had made a Jew joke in passing. Not a goofy "so a black guy a white guy and a jew walk into a bar" kind of a thing, but something along the lines of "I'm hammered drunk so I think I should jew up my next drink a bit" kind of a phrase. No offense of course to any of my Philistiney friends. Instantly what I thought was just a fucked up rock n roll looking waiteress on my couch became a pissed off scowling offended bitch. She said something to the tune of "That's fucked up Greg, you shouldn't take that shit lightly."

Oops. Sometimes when you make a retard joke you're unaware that a member of the audience has a retarded brother and does not appreciate your silly disregard for certain other spices of humanity. This tasted like the case in hand. I was wrong though. With a humble face I quickly stammered out an apology, letting her know that I'm actually one of the most open minded people she's probably ever met and that I meant no offense with my silly Jewish joke. I made it to the final line of my embarassing apology but did not get to finish it. I told her "I'm totally cool with the fact that you're Jewish but-" and that's all I got out. Her face got even angrier and I got a "FUCK YOU THAT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY," a middle finger, and then a free peek at those enormous sweater lumps. She ripped down the left side of her shirt with her left hand breaking out the jolly boobie. I don't think I need to explain to anyone reading this that I love tits, but this particular titty of interest was not a titty of love. Twas a titty of hate. Emblazened on it was a fucking swastika. This tattoo wasn't a cute little girl tat, this bugger covered the entire DD+ breasticle. Think Ed Norton in American History X. Now I know that most of us aren't fans of the nazi party, however you have to give the girl credit for the dedication to her craft. Putting a 7" swastika on your lady parts is definitley going to limit your sexual exploits. In addition to the cursing and exposure, she swung a closed fist with her right hand into her chest and then extended the fist into a flat hand.

I got the emblem and the sieg heil. Awesome.

Kinda.

As a fairly intelligent and fairly cultured man I was totally fascinated. Being a human being I was as shocked as I think I have ever been. Being an immature silly dude I have rarely laughed harder. My roomie brought home a drunk nazi and invited her into my home. Good job Ryan.

The three of us had a handful more drinks together and I picked her brain about what it was like to hate so efficiently. Good times. Thankfully I was only a little late and disheveled for the big meeting with the boss man that next morning. If you've never gotten to hang out with a dedicated bigot I suggest it, it can be worth writing about.