The Amish Have Amazing Hands

Last evening a wonderful friend of mine, we'll call her Michele to protect her identity, gave me a ring for a long overdue how-the-hell-are-ya phone call. We've both been busy and now that my traveling to Philly and NYC are over with her traveling is beginning. Amongst her's include a vacation to a very relaxing hippied out trip to the fine if not lame state of Vermont, a work trip to the incredible if not gay San Francisco, and a trip to the beautiful if not terribly shitty smelling city of Lancaster PA, Amish capital of the world. Lancaster has many delights, including the esteemed Auntie Anne's Pretzel College, proving once and for all that they're not only delicious but surely cult driven.

The Amish were once a proud, simple people, but it seems that over recent years their fine name has become tainted. Here's just a few news clips: (These are absolutley real)

-Arlie ******** was busted in a rare sting when an undercover agent bought raw milk from the Amish dairy farmer in an unlabeled container.

-Two young Amish men have pleaded guilty to conspiring to sell cocaine to young members of their community and could face up to 40 years in prison for their crimes...The two men bought cocaine from a Philadelphia area motorcycle gang called the Pagans, then sold the drugs to Amish youth groups.

Check out this line from a recent book about the Amish: "In some ways, the Amish trouble us, even torment us. We worry that without modern technology, higher education, the latest fashions, and unfettered freedom that they can be as happy as us."

With all the unchecked raw milk, undercover agents, motorcycle gangs, and cocaine issues (no wonder they can get those barns built so quickly) it's no surprise that Americans are starting to get wary of our bearded funny named friends in Pennsylvania. Some change had to have been made to protect their good name, and my friend Michele seems to have found it. An outlet to do good for the community, boost the local AND Amish community, and also find a way to release some of the terrible sexual tension those poor dusty genitals must deal with. AMISH DAY SPAS.

Go head and treat yourself to prove that I'm not totally full of shit and do a search online. Before I began writing this I was looking for an angle, and after searching google for "Amish Day Spas" I realized I didn't need one. There are HUNDREDS! Best tag line for any of them for those of you who know the Amish accent is "SAY 'SPAHH' IN MERCER COUNTY'S WORLD-CLASS DAY SPAS!" The comedic value of this is priceless. Picture a stout Amish gentelman in his mid-twenties straddling your favorite lady friend massaging her back with a 5 foot butter churning rod right after asking her if she'd like the emulsion treatment on her face. Love it. "Oh Ezekiel it feels so good, can you work my shoulders next?" God bless the concept, those burly farmer hands must be a sure-fire hit for the women-folk! Hot wax therapy you ask? No shortage of candle architecture here! I'm concerned that the vichi shower would likely be a boron scrub, those Amish do like to keep it from the land...and the haircut and style might not be the most exciting for East coast lookin', but that complimentary black cap will fix 'er right up.

Keep in tune for in a short couple weekends I'll have the full story and I'm SURE it can't be anything less than hilarious. Michele I'm waiting for the phone to ring! So throw your car down the road at ya and heavy at the spa you go!